Gamers and Meth Addicts rejoice, for Surge soda is back! Here, in no particular order, are the top five reasons to love the return of Surge:
5. You can shake a bottle vigorously, aim it at gamer buddies, tear off the cap, and do 2-12 points of acid damage. Alternatively, the same technique can be used to power wash your patio.
4. If you have it at the gaming table, your meth addict friends will totally return to gaming, dude. And at least one of them will play a halfling rogue with some tooth decay named Twitchy Undermountain, and THAT’S NOT EVEN A DWARVEN SURNAME, MAN, AND IF YOU SAY IT AGAIN TWITCHY WILL STEAL YOUR SHIT AND FUCK YOU RIGHT UP! I MEAN IT, MAN!
3. Two bottles poured down a drain will clear most hair clogs. Unfortunately, they will also burn a hole to the center of the earth, through which your ancient enemies, the Mole Men, will emerge, demanding tribute. They will flee, however, when your meth addict friend yells at them to ROLL FOR FUCKING INITIATIVE, YOU GRIMLOCK-LOOKING MOTHER FUCKERS!
2. If you drink an entire six pack, your skin will glow with a soft green light. This will freak out your meth addict gamer friends, and meth addicts are hilarious when they freak out. TWITCHY IS WIGGIN’, BRO! WIGGIN’!
1. A bottle of Surge placed at each corner of a Thaumaturgic Triangle will bind most devils. Demons, however, will drink that shit down, get caffeinated, and wreak serious havoc. At that point, you’ll have no choice but to sacrifice one of your meth addict gamer friends. BUT TWITCHY’S SOUL DON’T EVEN TASTE GOOD, MAN!