The dark truth about P90X

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See the demonic glint in his soulless eyes? He will kill us all.

I’ve concluded that the P90Xvideos aren’t so much workout videos as they are a visual mechanism by which the essence of the demonic entity known in this world as “Tony Horton” (but variously known in other words and dimensions as “Zarkast the Dark,” “Amunium the Faithless,” and “Aaal, the Hater of Life and Bringer of Pain”) is injected directly into one’s consciousness, such that his admonitions plague you even when doing mundane things.

“Paul, when you tie your shoes, you got to bring it. Snap the laces at the end of the move.”

“Paul, I want you to bring it when you brush your teeth. It’s the last three brushes that give the results.”

“Paul, this ain’t supposed to be easy. When you tie your necktie, ya got to bring it. Knot that bitch! Bring it. Bring it! BRING IT!”

I’ve become concerned that if enough people do P90X all at once, the harmonics created by Tony’s voice will allow his dark plot to finally reach fruition, as the earth cracks open, revealing itself to be a giant, cosmic egg, which then gives birth to some enormous, ancient, tentacled, many-eyed otherworldly evil.

I gotcher tentacled horror right here.

And as we all die, consumed by horror, Tony’s voice will ring through the dying universe: “When you end existence, YOU GOT TO BRING IT!”

On the plus side, we’ll all be in decent shape as our souls are consumed. I suppose I can live with that, so Santa’s bringing me P90X2 for Christmas.

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5 thoughts on “The dark truth about P90X

  1. Ah, but you see the toned ones whose combined efforts pierced the veil shall be feasted upon first. All that lean meat, tenderized just the way the unspoken one likes it.

    Those of us who are but soft lumps of flesh shall repulse them and send them packing back into the timeless space that they were imprisoned in all these centuries..

    So my out of shape brethren stand up, slowly of course, and save the world!

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