Paul turns his Twitter feed into MST3000 for Revenge of the Sith

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Last night, on a Sam Adams fueled lark, I tweeted a running commentary as I watched Revenge of the Sith (a movie I really like). A few folks have asked me to collect the tweets and post. I didn’t quite make it all the way through the movie (cuz I’m old and sleepy).

Anyway, the collected Tweets are below. I hope they amuse (WARNING: Lots of expletives).

Paulskemp: I’m going to say it again (cuz I’m watching): Despite the stiff acting/dialog in places, REVENGE OF THE SITH is a good film.

Paulskemp: Note that Obi-Wan is out of his fighter in a flash when they hit Grevious’s ship. But R2 is out faster than Anakin. Whatup, Chosen One?

Paulskemp: Anakin jumps back into elevator staring at Obi’s lightsaber. Could have killed your Chosen One ass right there.

Paulskemp: Obi and Ani v. Dracula/Saruman/Dooku. Obi: “Palpatine, Vampires/Wayward Wizards/Sith Lords are our speciality.” In other words, suck it Count.

Paulskemp: Hands: removed. Ouchie.

Paulskemp: And there goes the head. Dooku should never have encouraged Ani to channel his anger and hate. Unwise, count. Unwise.

Paulskemp: I love that Palpatine is jogging along with the Jedi in a leisurely stroll while the ship burns. FORCE SPEED, bitches.

Paulskemp: Proving I’m a pig during commercial brk: Portman could read any lines and I’d think the same thing: She’s gorgeous. What did she say again?

Paulskemp: You’d think Grievous could just take some Formula 44 or something for that cough.

Paulskemp: “You’re shorter than I expected,” is Star Wars talk for: “Your cyborg “tool” is not of impressive size when engorged.” Just sayin’.

Paulskemp: Palpatine: “Should I? Shouldn’t I reveal my power?” Hard to take over the Republic when you’re dead, dude. Made your Will save.

Paulskemp: I’m Mace Fuckin’ Windu, Chancellor Palpatine. LOOK AT THE GROUND WHEN YOU SPEAK TO ME, OLD MAN!

Paulskemp: FYI: Even the otherwise stunning Natalie Portman cannot carry that Leia hair.

Paulskemp: Another FYI: Girlfriend/Wife tells you she’s pregnant, Ani’s constipated expression WILL NOT go over well. Word to the wise

Paulskemp: Commercial break: Neither of those dudes are Sumo wrestlers. They’re just fat guys who’ve never worn the thong and wrestled other guys.

Paulskemp: BTW: Worn the thong and wrestled other guys is not a sentence I expected to write this evening. Planned it for tomorrow.

Paulskemp: So what’s Ani thinking here: I’ll keep a secret baby and wife on the side FOREVER while I do my Jedi thing? Mace won’t have it, brother.

Paulskemp: I’m dreaming of death and a galaxy in flames, is what’s bothering me. You’re dreaming of the lake house. You ain’t no Jedi, Padme.

Paulskemp: “And the baby?” The baby kicks ass, blows up the Death Star, redeems my evil ass, and starts the New Jedi Order. Otherwise, nothing much.

Paulskemp: Ani: “Oh, and Master Yoda, before I go? Fuck yourself and that prepare to lose what you love stuff. I’m going all in with the Sith.”

Paulskemp: As always, add “Mother Fucker” to the end of every Mace Windu line. “We do not grant you the rank of Master, Mother Fucker.”

Paulskemp: Loving me some Cerean holograms. Ki-Adi-Mundi rocking the hologram.

Paulskemp: And that’s the best one of all: “May the Force be with us all, Mother Fuckers.”

Paulskemp: Commercial break: “Coal.” Really? I loved Deadliest Catch but “Coal.” Really?

Paulskemp: Commercial: I don’t begrudge Montel making some coin, but Payday loans aren’t the way to do it. Scam. I’d Force Choke you if I could.

Paulskemp: Yoda wondering about the receding hairline. “When 700 years old you are, hairline this good you will not have.”

Paulskemp: You dread the Ani-Padme scenes don’t you? I know. Just stare at Natalie and it’s better.

Paulskemp: All humor aside: Setting effects are eye popping still.

Paulskemp: Do this: Interpret all interactions between Ani-Palpatine in a homerotic manner. They make sense.

Paulskemp: “My trust in them has been shaken” “Why?” “Because Mace Windu is an intimidating mother fucker, mother fucker.”

Paulskemp: Doesn’t occur to Ani to wonder how Palpatine knows all about “Sith legends?” Not a bright man, this Ani.

Paulskemp: No one REALLY wants to go to Kashyyk. Everyone has anger issues there.

Paulskemp: Spelled Kashyyk wrong, too, didn’t I? Geek Cred minus one.

Paulskemp: The Tarzan howl for those vine swinging wookiees was a bit too much of a wink.

Paulskemp: See, in an otherwise cheesy goodbye scene, Ewan elevates it to excellence. Obi is the exemplar Jedi.

Paulskemp: We’re into the late night commercials now. “Wow! A headlight polishing product! Must have!”

Paulskemp: Commander Cody!

Paulskemp: Aren’t those Jedi starfighters frickin’ tiny? The Galactic equivalent of a Yugo.

Paulskemp: See. Awesome scene with Obi landing. Sensawunda.

Paulskemp: It’s hard to try to be funny now. Shit’s getting real with Obi. “If you have warriors, now is the time, dude.”

Paulskemp: Obi can ride any damn thing.

Paulskemp: Ewan wants to kill some cyborg ass. Grievous, bring that weak shit to me.

Paulskemp: I’m sorry, did I crush you under a few tons of metal? Was that your head? Again, bring that weak shit to me.

Paulskemp: I’ll remind you that my PADAWAN took Dooku’s head, so having been trained by the Count, General, is, uh, less than impressive.

Paulskemp: Grevious: “You’re making it hard for me to manage my “short tool” when you take my hands, Obi.”

Paulskemp:That’s some keen eared reptile to hear Obi’s whistle in that melee. We will forgive because he’s Obi and badass incarnate.

Paulskemp: “Deliver this report to the Chancellor, MOTHER FUCKER.”

Paulskemp: See, now we have to watch a commercial for the Pivotrim. That ain’t right. Can it deflect blaster shots? Then I’m not interested.

Paulskemp: Everybody’s asleep now. It’s just me and the movie. I can deal.

Paulskemp: Palpatine wears shoulder pads? Nice. Never know when you’ll need to open the 3 hole on the goal line.

Paulskemp: Palp said DARK SIDE, Ani. That should be a frickin’ clue.

Paulskemp: And now Obi opens the can of whoopass. Me likey.

Paulskemp: That’s a nice organ you have there, General.

Paulskemp: Grevious hurtin’ for Alka-Seltzer. Heartburn, cyborg mother fucker.

Paulskemp: “Our worst fears have been realized, Mother Fucker.”

Paulskemp: Who could REALLY turn traitor to his bald badassedness, Mace? No one.

Paulskemp: Folks, I’ve got to get to sleep. My son will waken at 6 at the outside, angling for McGriddle and Donut. I’ll be mumbling about the Force.

Paulskemp: I leave you with this: The end of Revenge of the Sith is the money shot. You’ve all seen it, but wait for it again. Great stuff.

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