Former Vice President Dick Cheney has published In My Time: A Personal and Political Memoir. Here are the top eight shocking revelations to emerge from the book:

8. Cheney liked to freak out the White House staff by dressing in a black leotard, breathing heavily, and telling everyone, “No. I am your father!”

7. Cheney’s so mean he once shot a man (in the face) just for snoring.

6. On Earth 2, Cheney goes by the name Mumm-ra the Everliving.

5. Cheney routinely ate a specially-prepared dish of broken dreams, shattered souls, and ruined bodies. It kept him regular.

4. Cheney convinced Bush to invade Iraq by beating him in Rock, Paper, Scissors (Bush insisted on making a weird shadow puppet dog).

3. Cheney thought “waterboarding” was what Laird Hamilton did, so he okayed it. What? It looks fun. And that Laird….dreeeaamy.

2. Cheney has a secret stash of Condi Rice photos (oops, no, that’s Qaddafi). Rather, Cheney has a stash of Laird Hamilton photos, BUT IT’S NOT WEIRD. Really!  Er, not…weird.

And, finally, the No. 1 shocking revelation:

1. Cheney operates on three “D” batteries, not three “AAA’s”, like that pussy Rumsfeld.