A slight variant on my ongoing series, “Meanwhile, in the Trump Whitehouse.:”
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PAULIE WALNUTS MANAFORT: Hey there! I’ve done some work for Russian oligarchs and a pro-Russian Ukrainian party boss. I’ve been paid in cash off the books by mobsters. And I’d like to work for your campaign.
TRUMP: Mobsters are the best! But I don’t actually pay my debts, so hiring someone….
MANAFORT: I’ll work at no charge!
TRUMP: You’re hired!
MANAFORT: Awesome.
TRUMP: Wait, so what’s with the Ukrainian-Russian thing? Those are like salad dressings or Miss Universe contestants or….?
MANAFORT: They’re countries. But I want to assure you that working for a foreign government while also working for your campaign is no big.
TRUMP: Mmmm, Miss Universe contestants. Bunch a hotties, amirite? Love to grab ’em by the Panama if you know what I mean.
MANAFORT:
TRUMP: Do you know what I mean?
MANAFORT: I do. Though I’ll mention that Panama is actually a country.
TRUMP: What? No! What was David Lee Roth even singing about then? That song doesn’t even make any sense now!
MANAFORT:
TRUMP: Panama! Pan-uh-mah-hah-ho-ho-hah-hah.
MANAFORT:
TRUMP: So, we were talking about Van Halen playing the Miss Universe pageant in Russakraine.
MANAFORT: No, we—
TRUMP: Jehosophat! Wait just a minute. Russakraine is Putin’s country! I love that guy! Such a dreamy.authoritarian thug and murderer. The dreamiest!
MANAFORT: This is true.
TRUMP: And I mean ‘authoritarian thug and murderer’ in the best possible sense of those words. The greatest sense.
MANAFORT: They only have a best sense.
TRUMP: I’m glad we agree on that, but I’m going to swear you’re wrong about Panama until the day I die. Panama! Panama-hah-ho-ho-hah-ha!
MANAFORT:
TRUMP: Anyway, now that I’ve hired you, what do we do first? Take my shirt off and ride a horse?
MANAFORT: I think…probably not. But we should talk about the Ukraine plank in the party platform.
TRUMP: BECAUSE WE MAKE PEOPLE FROM UKRAINE WALK THE PLANK IN BIKINIS WHILE VAN HALEN PLAYS HOT FOR TEACHER! GENIUS!
MANAFORT: Uh, sure. But also, we should modify it to make it a bit more Russian friendly. Putin would like that.
TRUMP: You had me at hello.
MANAFORT: I…didn’t say hello.
TRUMP: It’s a speech of figure, if you know what I mean.
MANAFORT:
TRUMP: Do you know what I mean?
MANAFORT: Possibly.
TRUMP: Good! Let’s do more things Putin likes.
MANAFORT: Great idea.
TRUMP: Panama!
Later, by himself, MANAFORT on the phone: Vlad, I’m in.
PUTIN: Iz good.
Still later, MUELLER, after listening to the tapes and finishing up the indictments, sings under his breath: Got the feeling, power steering, pistons poppin’, ain’t no stoppin’ now. Panama, fuckers. Panama.