In the Oval Office:
PENCE: Thou hast called for me?
TRUMP: The Ninth Circuit upheld the ban on my ban! So lame! The worst!
PENCE: No Solomonic tribunal they.
TRUMP:
PENCE:
TRUMP:
PENCE:
TRUMP: Someone help me here. Steve—
BANNON, clicks heels, raises right arm: MEIN, FUHRER!
TRUMP: Jesus H. Sassasfras! The Merkelese again! Doesn’t anyone speak Americanese in this building?
FLYNN: *raises hand*
TRUMP: Anyone who is not also creepy? ‘Cause you’re creepy, Mike. The creepiest. And I know Howard Stern.
FLYNN: *lowers hand*
PENCE: Thou sought my counsel, Chosen One. I standeth ready to assist thee, as is my charge, as given unto me by my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
TRUMP: Sassasfras. Jesus H. Sassasfras.
PENCE: Nay. Jesus CHRIST. As in “Christus,” from the Greek….
TRUMP:
PENCE:
TRUMP: You sure? ‘Cause ‘Christ’ sounds a lot like ‘Christmas.’ That’d confuse the brand. Put your savior in competition with Santa and listen, no offense, but Santa’s the best, the greatest. Brings presents. Has young girls on his lap all the time. Guy has it made. Jesus, though, he’s always washing feet and getting crucified. Ugh.
PENCE, arches eyebrow.
TRUMP: Fine. Whatever. Call him how you want, but I’m sticking with Sassafras. Gotta better ring to it, steers clear of Santa. You all right with that?
PENCE:
TRUMP:
PENCE: As thou wishest.
TRUMP: You know that talking that way makes you sound like a manbible, right? That what you’re going for?
PENCE: *brow furrows in anger*
FLYNN:
BANNON:
PENCE, gathers himself: I speaketh the words put down by the Lord. I am but the humblest of messengers.
TRUMP: Ugh. Fine. Just go. Go do your chaptering and versing or whatever.
PENCE, whispering as he goes: And thee and me shall smite the Whore of Babylon and usher in the End Times and—
TRUMP: STILL MANBIBLING!
PENCE: Farewell, Chosen One.
TRUMP: No help, that guy. Shoulda never called him. Anyway, time for a new Executive Order! Steve….
BANNON: MEIN, FUHRER!
TRUMP: Put your arm down. Listen, I want to order the Ninth Circuit out of existence.
BANNON:
FLYNN: Sir, I don’t think you can…do that?
TRUMP: Of course I can! I’m the President! I already started it. Look! “Goodbye Ninth Circuit. The lamest court ever. Weak. Sad. Filled with so-called—“
FLYNN: I mean, sir, of course you can WRITE it, but I don’t think writing it will actually make it happen.
TRUMP:
FLYNN:
TRUMP: Steve, you told me these orders had magic powers!
BANNON:
TRUMP:
BANNON: Es tut uns leid, Mein Fuhrer. Es tu uns leid.
TRUMP: IF I DON’T HAVE MAGIC POWERS WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE?!
*phone rings*
FLYNN, picks up: Sir, it’s…LadimirVay UtinPay.
TRUMP: Huh? Americanese, Mike!
FLYNN: Our…Uncle Ivan?
TRUMP: What? Oh. OH! *takes phone*. Vladdy!