09/20/17

One Upon a Time in Trumpland

A slight variant on my ongoing series, “Meanwhile, in the Trump Whitehouse.:”

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PAULIE WALNUTS MANAFORT: Hey there! I’ve done some work for Russian oligarchs and a pro-Russian Ukrainian party boss. I’ve been paid in cash off the books by mobsters. And I’d like to work for your campaign.

TRUMP: Mobsters are the best! But I don’t actually pay my debts, so hiring someone….

MANAFORT: I’ll work at no charge!

TRUMP: You’re hired!

MANAFORT: Awesome.

Read the rest
03/3/17

Meanwhile, in the Trump White House (part IV)

Meanwhile, in the Trump White House (part IV):

KUSHNER, out of breath: Sir, Patrick Stewart is coming to the U.S. to fight you.

TRUMP:

KUSHNER: This is bad!

TRUMP:

KUSHNER: He’s Professor X, Mr. President.

TRUMP: That baldy with the Cerebellum machine or whatever?

KUSHNER: Cerebro.

TRUMP: Whatever. Just change the travel ban to keep out mutants. Boom.

KUSHNER: Won’t work, sir. No agent could stop him. He could just implant a suggestion to let … Read the rest

02/9/17

Meanwhile, in the Trump Whitehouse (part III)

In the Oval Office:

PENCE:  Thou hast called for me?

TRUMP:  The Ninth Circuit upheld the ban on my ban!  So lame!  The worst!

PENCE:    No Solomonic tribunal they.

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP:  Someone help me here. Steve—

BANNON, clicks heels, raises right arm:  MEIN, FUHRER!

TRUMP:  Jesus H. Sassasfras!  The Merkelese again! Doesn’t anyone speak Americanese in this building?

FLYNN: *raises hand*

TRUMP:  Anyone who is not also creepy? ‘Cause you’re creepy, Mike. … Read the rest

02/8/17

Meanwhile, in the Trump Whitehouse….(No. 2)

In the Oval Office:

TRUMP: Flynn, get in here!

FLYNN: Sir?

TRUMP: This is an empty snack bowl, Mike. You see it? Empty snack bowls are sad, the worst.

FLYNN:

TRUMP: Why is it empty, Mike?

FLYNN, hissing: Bannon.

TRUMP: Yes. And what is it empty of?

FLYNN: Uh, dignity?

TRUMP: No.

FLYNN: Hope?

TRUMP: NO!

FLYNN: Integrity?

TRUMP: Jesus H. Sassafras, Mike. Schnitzel. It’s empty of schnitzel. And you know I love the schnitzel.… Read the rest

02/8/17

Meanwhile, in the Trump White House (No. 1)

In the Oval Office:

FLYNN: And so you see, Mr. President, there are suggestions that Kim Jong Un’s grip on—

TRUMP: Is that a tinfoil hat on your head?

FLYNN: Uh….

TRUMP: I like it. Get me one, all right? Put MAGA on it. Use a Sharpie. That’s an order. Now, you were telling me about Nordstroms.

FLYNN: Sir. I was actually telling you about the South China Sea, the lizard people infiltration, and—

TRUMP: … Read the rest