Another in my ongoing series, “Meanwhile, in the Trump White House:”
Another in my continuing series….meanwhile, in the Trump White House:
TRUMP: Luther, I’m calling to endorse you.
MOORE: It’s Roy, sir.
TRUMP: Roy? That’s strange.
MOORE: No, not Strange. Moore.
TRUMP: More what?
TRUMP: You’re not making sense, Luther. You might as well be CNN, just babbling out fake news. The fakest. Are you fake, Luther?
MOORE: Sir, how can I be fake? We’re…talking right now.
TRUMP: Or are we? And right now I’m making that face that funny dog makes on the Facebook, where he kinda looks at you bug-eyed. You know it? It’s a meme or whatever. OR ARE WE?
TRUMP: Say ‘what’ again? I dare you. I double dare you!
TRUMP: You never saw PULP FICTION, Luther?
MOORE: Oh, no, sir. Too many browns, drugs, sex, and other sinful things in that movie. I’m a biblical man.
TRUMP: Oh, that’s right! You are another manbibler. I’ll introduce you to Pence. He loves him some bibling.
MOORE: That’d be wonderful, sir. Anyway I’m less PULP FICTION and more of a SIXTEEN CANDLES aficionado, if you know what I mean.
TRUMP: I think I do. Isn’t that the one about that loser trying to pick up teen girls? So pathetic. The patheticist.
MOORE: Uh, well, yes, but, I think ‘pathetic’ might be a bit harsh and—
TRUMP: Bad movie, too. The worst. Anyway, like I said, you’re endorsed, and the first thing we do when you get here is hit the mall.
MOORE: Uh, what?
TRUMP: The mall, Luther. They gotta McDonalds in there makes this burger called the Big Mac. You heard of it? Hey, listen to this: You know what they call the Big Mac in France? Le Big Mac. Haha!
TRUMP: You know why?
MOORE: Because they’re French, I assume?
TRUMP: No! You bumpkins and your adorable dumbness! ‘French’ is not even a word, Luther. They’re Francine over there. Francine fries. Francine Impressionism. Anyway, it’s Le Big Mac because they got the metric system. Centimeters and decagons and whatnot.
MOORE: I don’t really see how–
TRUMP: Decagon. Say it. It’s fun. Decagon. Deck. A. Gon. Where did the deck go? It’s gone. So funny!
MOORE: So, uh, anyway, sir, I’m not really allowed in malls. Banned from most of ’em.
TRUMP: Jehosophat! You’re missing out on food courts, man! Did you know I once slept under a blanket made entirely from slices of Sbarro?
MOORE: I…did not.
TRUMP: No? Did you know I took a Potbelly Meatball Sandwich to Thailand and married it? Was my second wife, before Marla. Didn’t last. I miss Samantha sometimes. I called her “Samantha” because she was a sandwich. You see how that works? So clever! She was six inches long before I ate her on our honeymoon. How long you figure six inches is in hectareameters?
TRUMP: Anyway, you were saying you’re banned from malls. Why is that now?
MOORE: Malls have teenage girls, sir.
TRUMP: I KNOW, RIGHT? ALWAYS IN LINE AT MCDONALDS, TOO! McBLOCKING ME!
TRUMP: McBlocking. You see what I did there? Funny stuff. You know something? I’m way funnier than Obama. The funniest. Anyway, you were talking about teen girls?
MOORE: Yes, yes, I was. See, sir, they’re at a delicate age, so lots of them are insecure, vulnerable, ready to believe just about anything an adult tells them.
TRUMP: Like my supporters!
TRUMP: MAGA! MAGA!
MOORE: So I creep around malls and when when I meet, well, let’s call her a NUBILE young lady, I might say something like: I like your hair, little lady. And that’s how I’d get her talking, and then—
TRUMP: Wait. You say that to a teenage girl? A TEENAGE GIRL?
TRUMP: That as gross as can be, Luther. The grossest.
MOORE: But, sir, I thought—
TRUMP: The worst thing I’ve ever done when it comes to teenage girls is finance a beauty pageant and walk in on them while they were changing.
MOORE: That…seems kinda gross, too, sir.
TRUMP: What? No, not if you convert their ages with the metric system. In Francine a fifteen year old girl is over twenty in Yearoliters, so it’s okay. I won the popular vote the same way. Convert the votes to Votodecagons and I totally beat Crooked. Beat her by a mile. Or ten kilometers or whatever a mile is.
MOORE: Sir, I really like the metric system right now.
TRUMP: Good, but you’re still gross, Luther. A lech. The lecherousest. Is that a word?
MOORE: It is now. And I know I’m gross. You are too, sir. But enough people don’t seem to care that I guess I’ll see you soon..
TRUMP: That’s how we MAGA, Luther. See you soon